After listening to a wise Tibetan Lama talk about how many people have an unhealthy attachment to their bodies…

cherishing them to extremes, it got me thinking about my work addressing body image with children and teens.

Our collective definition of beauty tends to be narrow and limited, bringing with it false promises of happiness found in airbrushed pictures, plastic surgery and eating disorders. Unhealthy body images start with the assumption that the body’s worth is measured by its appearance. Children grow up feeling they aren’t good enough, as the media portrays a specific “type of beauty” that is different to them. As these same children grow older, society tells them there is something wrong with getting old and aging.

The truth is, beauty is who we are, the intrinsic essence of all things and all beings, not a subjective attribute restricted to a few. As Kahlil Gibran so exquisitely states: “Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.” Through inquiry and
exploration, both individually and with our children, we can bring awareness to our limited beliefs and alleviate unnecessary suffering with our relationship to our bodies.

1) Get Curious

Be curious about how you talk of your body and other people’s body’s. Try to avoid descriptions that are based on physical attributes and categories. Even something as simple as describing someone as physically “beautiful” invites comparison by implying there are other’s that are not. Find ways to describe someone by speaking of their intrinsic qualities. This can help children to open their view of themselves and others into something much more expansive.

2) The Body As A Vehicle

Speak with children about their bodies as vehicles that carry them through life. Everyone has a “vehicle” that’s perfect for their mission on earth. Everyone’s vehicle is different in size, shape and function. Celebrate diversity and uniqueness found within themselves and others. How boring life would be if we all were the same!

3) Attitude Of Gratitude

The fact that we are alive right now in these bodies is a gift. Finding gratitude for our bodies can take the focus off of perceived deficiencies. Having a daily gratitude practice can include statements of appreciation for what our body can do, for example, having “a voice that can speak” or “hands that can write” etc.

4) Expose Them To Other Realities

Help educate and show children realities outside of Western culture. In other parts of the world children do not have enough food to eat. They also don’t have the “luxury” to focus on body image, as they live in a state of survival. This can help us understand what we give our attention to matters. It can extend our focus away from ourselves to how we can help others.

As H.H. Dalai Lama states: “The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater our own sense of well-being becomes. Cultivating a close, warm-hearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. This helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. It is the ultimate source of success in life.”

Read more at: https://awaken.com/2020/09/beauty-is-more-than-skin-deep/

As a child therapist I feel extremely fortunate to be in the presence of children, as many of them have a sense of humor, joy and pure curiosity about each moment…

During this current time of uncertainty they continue to be such treasures to me, revealing the importance of presence and living from the heart.  As their world has been shifted radically during the virus they continue to keep smiling and laughing.  The virus may be impacting daily life in radical ways, yet they are still climbing trees, communicating with wildlife and rolling in the grass.

While childhood can be a time of immense discovery, it can also be one of hardship, struggle and conflict. Developmentally, the sense of self appears slowly, which can bring confusion and misunderstanding. The children in the stories below are some of my greatest teachers, as through their journeys from challenges to insight many truths were illuminated. Each story, although unique, illustrates hope in overcoming difficulties and growing from struggle. I cherish these words of wisdom. As we navigate life during the virus, these words, more than ever, feel relevant to share. As Rumi so beautifully states, “The wound is the place where the Light enters”.

Molly, aged nine, after many house moves due to being part of a military family, was again in a new environment.  The grief around friendship loss and rapid changes left her frustrated and overwhelmed.  Molly’s parents were concerned about angry outbursts at home that were challenging the entire family. But as Molly began to process her feelings, a new awareness of them grew. As she learned ways to manage her frustrations she was able to reconcile her multiple losses, until eventually, with more confidence in herself, she was able to be ay ease in her new home. She began to keep a journal, in which she wrote: “Just because you are saying goodbye doesn’t mean you have to give up on your dreams. Flip the page and take a breath.”

Like Molly, Brandon age eight, had experienced many recent transitions, but these were in the form of his family structure changing through divorce and, at the same time, a new baby brother being born. His reaction was complete overwhelm. Disinterested in things that used to give him joy, Brandon’s parents were concerned about his low energy levels and inability to pay attention. Over time, using art and the sand tray, he began to express his internal world, his overwhelm, confusion, and sadness. He started to voice the ways he was caring for himself.  He told me: “When I am sad I go outside and breathe out my sadness to the trees, as they take it away for me.”  He also started to find joy again through musical expression, specifically drumming. One day he picked up the drum and began to play, while saying “ I am finding my beat again, I am finding my rhythm, being here now, being here now”.

Dakoda, age ten, began play therapy after experiencing anxiety at school. Recent visits to the school nurse for tummy aches and calls home had her parents unsure how to help her. They recalled Dakoda mentioning a “bullying” situation that seemed to occupy her.  In session, she initially related to the dolls and stuffed animals by using words like “stupid” or “worthless”.  Over time, as her sadness expressed itself, her window of tolerance expanded and she started to care for both the toys and for herself with greater kindness.  One day, while drawing a picture of a heart, she looked at me with immense conviction and said: “You gotta just shine your light, regardless of what other people think; just be who you are”.

Life is a journey of many ups and downs, and each of these children, like all of us in one way or another, has experienced struggles, but they are my true teachers for their courage to show up and embrace the challenges. Their ability to transform and evolve their perception of traumatic experiences and of themselves is inspiring, showing me that we have everything we need within us.

Read more here: https://awaken.com/2020/08/what-children-can-teach-us/

Over the past few months, the virus has influenced our lives in many profound ways…

 

Children, in particular, have experienced major shifts to their world at a rapid pace, not only in their household structure, cancelation of summer camps and the inability to see friends, some have also lost loved ones to the virus. They are navigating many new changes and unknowns; some are having a challenging time adjusting, leading to an increase in confusion, overwhelm and anxiety.  Although life is always impermanent and uncertain, the virus has emphasized this reality.

Zen teacher Alan Watts poignantly stated: “The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.”

The good news is there are things we can do to help support children to dance through this time of change. Even just moving from the house to the car, or getting ready for bedtime, are examples of transition. We don’t think of such changes as a big deal but, for some, switching gears can be a challenge. This may be due to transitioning from a preferred activity (something they enjoy) to something they need to do, but don’t enjoy so much. This can understandably elicit frustration, disappointment and sometimes overwhelm. Acknowledging and communicating about the difficulty can create more space for self-awareness and compassion around what’s happening.  But here are some specific ideas:

1. Incorporate the use of countdowns. Before a transition happens, counting down can be a help children prepare themselves for change. You can experiment and see what duration works best for your child. Typically, start with 15 minutes, then 10 minutes, 5 minutes and time to leave.  This can also be expanded on with bigger transitions, such as using a calendar and tracking upcoming events.  Giving them a preview of what their day might look like in the form of a schedule can help ease some of the anxiety around the unknown. This small act can have a huge impact.
2. Find ways to weave in music with the transition. Research has shown how music engages areas of the brain that are involved with paying attention. It can tune us into the present moment and help connect one environment to the next by providing a sense of continued safety and predictability. Creating a playful game that incorporates music and movement, such as “leapfrog” to the car, can link a positive impression with the transition.  Finding a song to sing, or making up your own, can assist in releasing tension and bringing playfulness to difficult moments of transition.
3. Rituals can be healing for children going through transitions. Creating your own family rituals can provide a child with a sense of predictability and meaning. The real goal of rituals is connection. By having a ritual that the family does together it creates a sense of unity and comfort, especially during times of immense change. You can get creative and use meals, activities, or bedtime to implement rituals. Lighting a candle and taking turns sharing talking about what you are grateful for can be a simple way to ground children, foster connection, and help them to stay connected to their feelings.

As we move through this period in human history of much uncertainty, let us remember to celebrate our existence. Sometimes all it takes is witnessing the stars on a dark night and marveling at what we are already a part of. Bringing children into nature can help cultivate this sense of aliveness and presence in each moment. Any worry of the future is lessened, and we can truly dance with uncertainty.

Read More Here: https://awaken.com/2020/07/dancing-through-transitions-with-children/

The covid-19 virus has brought much attention to the fragilty of this human incarnation…

It has revealed the reality that life is precious, and yet our time on planet earth comes with an expiration tag.  For some this has brought questions and fear about mortality, purpose and existence. Children have been watching and trying to make sense of what is happening in the world around them.  If they don’t have a framework in which to understand death, it can be a source of great confusion. In my work with families and children this has lately been a major topic: how do we support children in making sense of the great unknown?

Children quickly pick up on our own fears, so our relationship to death is key to how we teach the young and give them a spiritual framework for understanding the nature and meaning of both life and death. It requires us to question our stories and narratives. This requires an examination of our own beliefs and reactions, and how we identify with this infinite sense of I.

The dominant orientation of Western culture is avoidance of the unknown, which contributes to fear. The way we approach death is the way we experience our life, whether we consider it “the end” or not. In some traditions, such as Tibetan Buddhism, death is contemplated daily as a doorway to awakening and to living fully in each moment. This can open our hearts to living a life of courage, love, compassion, and greater meaning.  Teaching children that death is part of the life cycle can shine light on this taboo topic and prepare them for when death touches their lives.

In one of my favorite short stories titled The Fall of Freedie the Leaf, we are walked through Freedie the leaf’s journey, examining his reality and experience of the changing seasons of life. As winter sets in, Freddie says: “I’m afraid to die, I don’t know what’s down there.” His friend comforts him and tells him: “We all fear what we don’t know, Freddie. It’s natural. Yet, you were not afraid when summer became fall. They were natural changes. Why should you be afraid of the season of death?”

Different ages experience a variety of perceptions around death. Children aged three-five, often can’t yet conceptualize, so it can be helpful to discuss the reality of being unable to physically see a person again. At this age they also often engage in magical thinking and may feel they somehow contributed to the death. They may ask questions about “why?” and “how?” death happens. The response of children aged six-eight is based more on self-concern such as how does this affect me. This age can also be fearful that death is something contagious, they are concerned about separation from family or friends. If they directly experience a death they may play out the funeral or service as a way to process.

As they grow older, eight-ten year olds might question the mechanics of death, such as “Does the body hair keep growing after someone dies?” Comparing other’s reactions to death, such as “Why is she crying and you are not?” is very common. They might view death as a punishment for bad behavior, or that it is something they can escape from.  Ages 11-14 tend to focus more on moral expectations and questioning about values and beliefs. It is very normal to test faith, even asking: “If the universe is good then why do bad things happen to good people?”

Using nature’s numerous examples of dying, death and renewal processes can be a rich way to expand a child’s perceptions, contemplate the life cycle, and to see the interdependence of all systems and beings together. Collecting dead items from the forest then having a dialogue about them can be a powerful activity. Through nature, children can witness the truth that all living beings on this planet will “die”, thus making room for new living beings to take their place.  To illustrate the interconnectedness of all life, take two Aspen trees. At first glance they appear distinct, separate, individual trees side by side. However, each Aspen tree is actually only a small part of a much larger organism.  They are completely interconnected underground by their roots, through which they share nutrients and resources to support each other.

As we inquire more deeply, we see that nothing truly exists on it’s own. Everything in life and in nature is connected.  An ecological metaphor that stretches our perceptions of ourselves in relationship to the life cycle is in The Lion King. Mufasa, prior to his death, explains to Simba that: “When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass, and so we are all connected in the great circle of life.”

We can speak to children about death as a transition that represents an end to the physical that we know, but not an end to the essence. Helping them tune into their hearts enables them to connect with whatever has changed form. Two wonderful books In My Heart and The Invisible Sting illustrate just that. Teaching about interdependence and the life cycle can expand perceptions out of a limited dimensional reality into a much larger one.

Many wise teachers have stated that in denying death, we deny life. Dying is a natural process. Waking up out of the illusion of separation allows us to pass this wisdom to our children.  As Thich Nhat Hanh so exquisitely says:  “Our true nature is the nature of no birth and no death. Only when we touch our true nature can we transcend the fear of non-being, the fear of annihilation.”

Read More Here: https://awaken.com/2020/05/teaching-children-about-death-and-the-cycle-of-life/

by Megan Larson: For most of us the past month has been filled with considerably more screen time than usual…

In the realm of online learning, this is uncharted territory, especially for children who are already being stretched both psychologically and emotionally.  Our bodies and minds are not used to this type of strain, so the question becomes: how do we consciously support both children and ourselves when most of our daily tasks are now in front of a computer?

As a play therapist and yoga teacher three things feel important: the breath, movement, and being in nature. Combining these three can help us to stay present and aware, while also navigating increased computer time.

To help children find their breath, it helps to collect or buy feathers!  Have the child choose one to hold in their hand, then show them how to take a deep breaths in and blow out through the nose, while watching the feathers move. Repeat for 3-5 minutes.  You can also make up your own breathing games with cotton balls and straws.  The benefits of mindful breathing are vast, ranging from a reduction in anxiety to the activation of the parasympathetic nervous system, also known as the body’s “rest and digest” system. It can help ground our bodies and bring us into the present moment, as it is easy to “float away” and experience mild disassociation from the virtual reality of the internet realm.

Depending on the age of the child, it can help to make the movement sessions a family experience.  Any kind of movement is good: yoga poses, jump rope, tai chi, leap frog, dancing, etc.  As you do it, focus attention on the breath, and while voicing how the movement feels in your body and the internal sensations.  You can ask what’s happening for you inside? This helps to support healthy embodiment development for children and to help them develop a curiosity about their own body’s needs. Share with them how the movement feels, verbalize your experience and how you are caring for yourself.

Last but not least, find ways to connect with nature. This has the ability to help restore children’s attention and relieve stress. Being in nature is an easy way for children and adults to get in touch with their senses and present moment awareness. Nature allows the prefrontal cortex, the brain’s command center, to dial down and rest, like a tired muscle. Even if you live in a city and can’t travel there are many creative ways to get the healing benefits of connecting with the earth.  In between screen time, catch some quick sunshine rays on the deck, lay on your backs watching the clouds, bugs or butterflies. Collect rocks outside, climb trees and make up silly songs about animals or flowers.

In this new age of new conditions, our task is to stay connected to ourselves, while teaching our children to do the same.

 

Read More Here: https://awaken.com/2020/05/balancing-kids-screen-time-with-breath-movement-nature/